Amendmeant

Watch as I attempt to squeeze even more truth into some of the truest words of wisdom ever uttered. A challenge indeed. Send your Potent Quotes to amendmeant@gmail.com.

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Potent Quote:

James Harrison seen huffing unfiltered Truth during the Super Bowl.

“This is how I feel — if you want to see the Pittsburgh Steelers, invite us when we don’t win the Super Bowl. As far as I’m concerned, he [Obama] would’ve invited Arizona if they had won.”
- James Harrison, linebacker for the Super Bowl winning Pittsburgh Steelers

Potent Analysis:

Harrison’s statement – besides displaying a deltoid-firm grasp of logic – utilizes a simple, real-world metaphor to expose President Obama’s flip-flopping nature. Obama undoubtedly would’ve abandoned Harrison and his fellow Steelers had they not won the Super Bowl, just as Harrison ignored my interview requests once he found out I was not a reporter for ESPN.

Potent Facts:

Number of former Presidents with the first name…
Barack – 0
James – 6

Number of former Presidents with the last name…
Obama – 0
Harrison – 2

Signs of the Apocalypse: As we all know, the apocalypse is nigh. It’s not a question of if it’s coming or even when it’s coming, but of who gets into the heavenly VIP room with such greats as Martin Luther, Mother Teresa, and Strom Thurmond.

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It is self-evident that the Golden Age of America was during the industrial revolution. There was so much work available that even children got jobs. How cool is that?

Aunt Sam Wants YOU to go shopping.

But now kids have to while away there days in worthless pursuits like school and play. What happened to our great nation? Let’s take a closer look through the power of metaphor.

In any normal, non-commie family the man is the one who provides for his family (notice “man” is not capitalized, as it would be in Canada/Northern Europe/Vermont) while the woman cooks and watches Oprah. America used to be the man of the entire world, but no longer.

America is now the woman of international industry. Our fertile fields are plowed by other countries’ equipment, and we’re just lying back while they take turns deindustrializing us.

I have to cut short the metaphors; I’m getting all hot and bothered.

This trend is not only crippling our national manliness, but will soon castrate our economy as well. The US has become a consumer of suburban housewife-voracity, shunning our industrial roots. Heck, we don’t even make our own steel anymore, and that was #4 on my list of What Makes America Manly (right after Baconaise).

Worse yet, we’re importing the ingredients for our military-grade weapons. Sure, we make a delicious looking weapon, but what if the man in our global relationship starts holding out on us? What if we can’t get the ingredients to make the weapons? How can we feed our global family if we don’t have a huge stockpile of “food?”

We must stop this dependency and once again become a nation of men (not in the literal, Chinese way). Only then can we restart the process of cramming American-made “food” into the rest of the world’s gaping maw – because the only way to negate the Apocalypse is to instigate it.

*Blog title barely beat out alternative: “The Emasculation Pro-Clam-Nation”

Conspiracy Alerts: Warning fellow citizens when the Man is trying to screw them. Answer: always.

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My softball team recently concluded an astonishing run to 3rd place in our league – a league which I believe consisted of somewhere in the neighborhood of two teams. Give or take.

Our distinguished prize? T-shirts.

Don't worry, it'll shrink in the wash.

The league’s vast selection boiled down to XL or a duvet cover with arm and head holes. Is this a simple case of more cloth for your coin, or something far more sinister?   Pardon me for revealing my political allegiances, but I’m pro-choice – especially when it comes to t-shirt sizes (and seeing as t-shirts aren’t babies you pro-lifers can cram it with walnuts…*).

So the question arises: who is behind this approach to casual torso duddery that caters largely to the large?

You wouldn’t expect to go to a pizza place and only be able to order an XL pizza would you?  Of course not! This is America: you should expect to get at least three sizes bigger than XL. I recommend the “Sun Eclipser” from Pizza Hut.

That’s when it hit me: fast food. All those pizzas and miscellaneous meat patties are needed to fill out the free XL t-shirts that are given away as prizes for softball and other nominally sport-like activities.

American citizens are forced to live up to Fast Food Industries hefty expectations lest they be mistaken for infants, rappers, or anyone else similarly unable to communicate intelligibly.

So the next time some cotton peddler tries to force their super-sized apparel onto you, be sure to show your disgust; spit on them if necessary; tell them to stop being a slave to the Fast Food Industry; then check to make sure the person offering you the t-shirt isn’t handing them out to support a 5k combating obesity.

Actually, you might want to check for that first.

And for all you naysayers who think I’m a mere conspiracy theorist, remember this: theories are conjectural; what I write is pure untainted truth.
If you must call me names, be accurate: call me a conspiracy factist.

*…that weren’t picked from a tree prematurely but died of natural, falling-related causes.