Amendmeant

When Amendments were first ratified, everyone knew exactly how to interpret their meaning. Then Americans got stupid (it’s mostly Jimmy Carter’s fault). It’s time to reeducate America on what the Amendments meant to say.

—

What it says:

Grand Jury, Double Jeopardy, Self-Incrimination, and Due Process – you get none of them. Or all of them. I don’t know; they’re kind of big words. I’ll just cover the one or two I think I understand.

What it meant:

In Wig We Trust.

Terrorists are likely to hide behind the 5th Amendmeant under the Self-Incrimination provision – which is camel crap. Why do we need to prove anything? Here’s your proof: I’m terrified of them, so they’re terrorists.

Luckily our forward thinking Founding Fathers (say that 5 amendments fast) left us a noose-shaped loophole: the Amendments only apply in America, because we’re free and you’re not.

Our bewigged ancestors may not have known about modern terrorism and the need for Guantanamo Bay, but they were already well versed in capturing foreigners and sending them without cause to places they didn’t want to go with no nope of release or escape. So advanced. So bewigged.

The Double Jeopardy provision, on the other wig, is best known for subjecting innocent Americans to the awful film by the same name. I’d like to use my 2nd Amendment rights on the director of that movie (but that’s just my 1st Amendment rights talking).

But yet again I must invoke our forward thinking pre-Carter/Dixie Chicks/Olbermann Americans. They knew someone would make a terrible Moving-Picto Play about Double Jeopardy, and they anticipated us forcing terrorists to watch it over and over again to avoid breaking the decidedly un-American Geneva Conventions (Geneva’s in France for Wigsake – France).

So what’ll it be, the Founding Fathers or France? Wigs or gay-looking wigs? That’s what I thought.