Amendmeant

I’m on vacation, but the truth never rests. Here are some of the most truthiest lines I’ve ever finger-uttered.

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From Menocause – Shedding Light on the Illuminati (Part 1):

“If life has taught me anything, it’s that the simple explanation (while usually correct according to science and logic) is boring. I implore you, great men of causes: spread  communicable dis-ease far and wide.”

From Potent Quotables – Dire Warnings From Joe the Plumber:

“Joe the Plumber does not have a plumbing license. Jesus did not have a carpenter license.”

From Potent Quotables – Fox News Host Decries Interspecies Wedding

“Kilmeade is using Prejean as a politically (and artificially) enhanced sacrificial lamb. Sure, she looks like a pure, blonde Swede or Finn, but something tells me the carpet doesn’t match the confused and rambling drapes.”

Remember America: I will never stop sifting through the news with a fine-truth comb.

When your heroes let you down, don’t fret – there’s always an explanation. Afterall, it’s not like heroes are fallible.

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Why Sarah? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?! There must be a logical explanation. Let’s

explore the possibilities…

• Being Governor ages you prematurely; and Palin’s gotta look good for 2012. Such a forward thinker.
• She’s pregnant and needs to spend time coming up with ridiculous names for her child. Such a caring mother.
• Like any good point guard, she’s leaving in the middle of the 3rd quarter with a huge lead to give less experienced players a chance. Such a dominating, yet thoughtful performer.
• She once said: “I’ve been so focused on state government, I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq.” Well now she had more time to focus. Such a decisive prioritizer.
• She realized that what she thought was Russia was really her neighbor’s house, so she no longer needs to protect Alaska in case “Putin rears his head.” Such a decisive re-prioritizer.
• Upon quitting, Palin said: “Only dead fish go with the flow.” She then realized that fighting upstream to spawn also leaves you dead, so she decided to quit being a fish. Such an astute interpreter of nature.
• Speaking to her constituents, Palin said: “I like being here because it seems like here and in our last rally too — other parts around this great Northwest — here in New Hampshire you just get it.” Obviously she made a mistake. She wanted to serve in the Northeast, not the Northwest where Alaska is. Such an easy mistake to make.

There, now I feel better now. PALIN 2012!

As a respected journalist, I was lucky enough to see Bruno before it came out in theaters. Why do I consider myself lucky? Because I am now able to warn my fellow Americans about this seditious documentary. Here are 5 reasons Bruno should be banned in the US:

1) It’s depiction of Americans is far too accurate

Bruno shows Americans for the freedom-lovers they really are. Scenes exhorting our freedom to be as intolerant and simple-minded as we want are rife throughout the film. It’s so accurate, in fact, that it will make every non-American even more jealous of us than they already are, increasing already rampant illegal penetration through our borders. Illegal immigrants will most likely squeeze through our southern border to get into Prop 8-passing, straight-friendly California. All in order to gain the wonderful freedom to discriminate.

2) It’s bringing Swine Flu to America

The influx of illegals from America’s trousers brings a greater risk. Swine Flu started in Mexico, and Bruno is obviously an attempt to cause an even bigger outbreak in the US. It wouldn’t be the first time gays have AIDed the spread of disease in our country.

3) It makes me question California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sexuality

Speaking of California, Bruno may cause people to assume governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is himself a little girly man. The coincidences are myriad:

• Like Bruno, Schwarzenegger is Austrian.
• He is against Prop 8 (which banned gay marriage in California).
• Star of the film Sasha Baron Cohen said at the London premiere that Bruno “is the most important movie starring a gay Austrian since Terminator 2.”

4) It makes me question my own sexuality

Have you seen Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? The Governator has a body to die for (which is exactly what everybody does in his movies).

5) It has an all-male love scene

Gross.

So be careful watching this documentary. Sure it’s a hilarious way of exposing good old discrimination-loving Americans for what they really are (freedom-loving patriots). Heck, it may even leave you rolling in the dark, sticky,  aisles of a movie theater… right where the homos can get you.

Watch as I attempt to squeeze even more truth into some of the truest words of wisdom ever uttered. A challenge indeed. Send your Potent Quotes to amendmeant@gmail.com.

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Potent Quote:

“Let me give you another extremist view, In God We Trust. Say that too loud in some parts of America and you will be shot. It’s terrible.”

- and -

“Why hasn’t he [Senator Chris Dodd] been strung up?”

- Joe the Plumber, respectively decrying and endorsing murder

Potent Analysis:

It’s easy to miss the context by focusing on the seemingly contradictory and hypocritical aspects of Joe the Plumber’s statements. On the one hand, Joe appears to be against homicidal religious intolerance, while on the other, he seems to embrace at least 2 of those words quite strongly.

Joe’s unanswered contradictions are not unlike a similar situation found in the Bible. In Matthew, Jesus doesn’t wait for the Pharisees to question him, but instead points out two Old Testament passages that appear to be contradictory. The Pharisees agree that the competing scriptures are troublesome, and wait to hear Jesus’ explanation.

So what was Jesus’ answer to the conundrum?

Nothing.

He doesn’t give one. Deep.

And if there’s anyone that’s earned the same level of careful oratorical examination it’s Joe. Let’s plumb shoulder deep into Joe’s words and pull out the soap-scummed hairball of truth that’s clogging your understanding. Stay with me here, this gets tricky:

a) Statistics show that almost no one in America has been shot for saying In God We Trust.

b) Senator Chris Dodd (D – Conn.) is mired in a complex situation regarding his role in executive bonus protections in the stimulus bill, which prompted Joe’s comments that he should be hanged.

c) Statistics also show that people are shot constantly over money.

d) American currency contains the phrase In God We Trust.

Put all those facts together and here’s what you get:

Only a moron would say that saying In God We Trust will get you shot in America, and since Joe the Plumber is obviously not a moron, he must have been referring to violence related to money, which of course contains the words In God We Trust. Since Senator Dodd is embroiled in a money related battle, Joe is subtly connecting the ridiculousness of killing over saying “In God We Trust” (aka money) too loudly with the a warning to Senator Dodd that he might be killed by extremist wackos.

“Why hasn’t he been strung up?” Joe asks. Afterall, if you say In God We Trust “too loud in some parts of America… you will be shot. It’s terrible.” Consider it a Jesus-style indirect warning from your not-so-average Joe.

Potent Facts:

- Jesus is considered to be the Son of God by about 1 billion people worldwide.

- Joe the Plumber is a plumber. Jesus was a carpenter.

- Joe the Plumber does not have a plumbing license. Jesus did not have a carpenter license.

* Rejected picture caption: Joe warns that Dodd may be toast