5 Reasons Review – Bruno

July 9, 2009

As a respected journalist, I was lucky enough to see Bruno before it came out in theaters. Why do I consider myself lucky? Because I am now able to warn my fellow Americans about this seditious documentary. Here are 5 reasons Bruno should be banned in the US:

1) It’s depiction of Americans is far too accurate

I know at least one Governor of California who will be there at 8:30 sharp.

I know at least one Governor of California who will be there at 8:30 sharp.

Bruno shows Americans for the freedom-lovers they really are. Scenes exhorting our freedom to be as intolerant and simple-minded as we want are rife throughout the film. It’s so accurate, in fact, that it will make every non-American even more jealous of us than they already are, increasing already rampant illegal penetration through our borders. Illegal immigrants will most likely squeeze through our southern border to get into Prop 8-passing, straight-friendly California. All in order to gain the wonderful freedom to discriminate.

2) It’s bringing Swine Flu to America

The influx of illegals from America’s trousers brings a greater risk. Swine Flu started in Mexico, and Bruno is obviously an attempt to cause an even bigger outbreak in the US. It wouldn’t be the first time gays have AIDed the spread of disease in our country.

3) It makes me question California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s sexuality

Speaking of California, Bruno may cause people to assume governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is himself a little girly man. The coincidences are myriad:

  • Like Bruno, Schwarzenegger is Austrian.
  • He is against Prop 8 (which banned gay marriage in California).
  • Star of the film Sasha Baron Cohen said at the London premiere that Bruno “is the most important movie starring a gay Austrian since Terminator 2.”

4) It makes me question my own sexuality

Have you seen Arnold Schwarzenegger movies? The Governator has a body to die for (which is exactly what everybody does in his movies).

5) It has an all-male love scene

Gross.

So be careful watching this documentary. Sure it’s a hilarious way of exposing good old discrimination-loving Americans for what they really are (freedom-loving patriots). Heck, it may even leave you rolling in the dark, sticky,  aisles of a movie theater… right where the homos can get you.

Categories: 5 Reasons Review

5 Reasons Review – Transformers 2

June 25, 2009

Every once in a blue moon a movie comes along that is so transformative they even put transform it in the title. One such movie (along with the first Transformers and of course the 2006 masterpiece Shape: Bikini Body Camp Transforming Workout) is Transformers 2. That should be reason enough to see it, but if your a Debbie Doubter, read on for 5 more reasons Transformers 2 is the best movie of our generation.

1) It’s being compared to Star Wars

The official Transformers 2 movie poster

The official Transformers 2 movie poster

Ty Burr in The Boston Globe calls the hilarious twin robots Skids and Mudflap “Jar Jar Binks times two.” That sounds about right. This is Transformers 2, so he’s obviously comparing it to the (first) second Star Wars – The Empire Strikes Back. Now take that Star Wars movie, add Jar Jar Binks, multiply by two, and you get Transformers 2.

2) It’s culturally diverse

Not only are Skids and Mudflap hilarious comic-reliefbots, they provide a shocking example of cultural awareness on the part of director Michael Bay. The robots have simian features, can’t read, and bicker in loud-mouthed jive-talk with primitive grammar skills – just like real monkeys! One even has a gold tooth!

But Bay doesn’t stop at including animals and robots in this fiery melting pot. He includes non-white characters in a way that shows studied observation of foreign cultures: there’s an old Chinese man eating noodles (Bay realizes that not every one eats pizza lol!), and of course Jewish people speaking their native dialect in New York (an example of geographical awareness). George Lucas would be proud.

3) It’s unpretentious

This is truly a movie for everyone. The film was conceived during the writer’s strike, and only after the scenes had been strung together were the gaps filled in by writers. This guarantees no overly ambitious story lines that could create something resembling a plot. No one wants a plot; it’s an ugly word. Schindler’s List had a plot and look what happened to those poor Jews. We already know Michael Bay is far to sensitive to culture to do anything bad to Jews.

4) It’s fantastic for American industry

Obviously the Transformers in this movie are made with real, American steel. There’s no way that mess of unintelligible moving metal parts was created by computer animation. Animation these days is far too advanced. No, that’s all 100% real, baby.   The sheer tonnage of steel needed for this movie can only provide a jolt to our floundering economy. I lamented the emasculation of the American worker weeks ago, but I didn’t think someone would respond to my call so soon.

Also, the manufacturing of Megan Fox must have required thousands of American workers, because there is no way she can actually be human.

5) I didn’t need to watch it to know how great it was

The trailers, the hype, the Twitters… there was no reason to actually watch Transformers considering the media blitz that preceded it. Couple that with the aforementioned brilliant, child-like simplicity of the story and I feel more than qualified to review the best movie I’ve ever not seen.

Besides, have you seen movie ticket prices lately? Yikes.*

*If you think that joke was great, wait until you see the movie. It’s full of jokes like that!

Categories: 5 Reasons Review