Amendmeant

Giving you the hottest and flashiest causes you must support if you want to call yourself a man. Get Menocausal! Send your manly cause ideas to amendmeant@gmail.com

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I feel I may have been a bit hasty in my earlier conspiracy theory about XL t-shirts. New revelations have come to light. This doesn’t prove my previous theory wrong per say,  it just shows how close I was to the truth in the first place.

Perhaps it’s not (hehe snot) the Fast Food Industry who are at fault after all, but those conniving sewing-machine jockeys in 3rd world Asia. Perhaps they are producing XL shirts by their own impetus to mock our epic girth.

Mumus are a flattering alternative to XL shirts.

If this is the case, we can’t allow these purveyors of polyester to link our proud national bulk to apple pie as another accurate way to describe what we are “As American as….”

Shut up. That analogy makes perfect sense.

As a deterrent, I propose we give our sweatshop employees a pay cut to say… 9/10 of a cent per day. A preemptive strike would’ve been ideal, but some people want proof and evidence before a proper gut-reaction. Tho se people watch way too much PBS.

I know, I know, 9/10¢ is not (hehe) that big of a pay cut – heck it may even be a raise – but it’s the message that’s important. Besides, our overseas laborers have to have at least enough money to eat three square meals a month. How else will they muster up the strength to make my new Air Jordans in time for Christmas?

I gots to have my sneaks.

But that’s not the only benefit of my 9/10¢ Proposal. The ala mode on this Pac-Rim pie piles an extra dollop of partially-hydrogenated mockery upon Big Oil, even as their pocketbooks are growing nearly as wide as the average American ass.

I mean, come on, 9/10 of a cent at the pumps? Do you think I even care? Bring it on Big Oil, it doesn’t even cost me triple digit$ to fill up my gas tank yet/anymore.

Giving you the hottest and flashiest causes you must support if you want to call yourself a man. Get Menocausal! Send your manly cause ideas to amendmeant@gmail.com

Sure it may kill a few brain cells, but Dubya's been ahead of the green curve for years.

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Now that 99% of scientists agree that global warming is caused by man (as opposed to the inconclusive 98% who agreed 10 years ago) it’s time to make a last ditch effort to save the world. Did I mention that my beach house means the world to me?

Introducing a brilliant new way to stop Mother Nature’s nagging assault on my property:

Stop Breathing.

If you’re not that hardcore, stop exercising. Or hold your breath for a couple minutes every hour. According to stuff I found on the Internet, which is the infallible information super-low-emissions highway, humans produce approximately 450 liters of carbon dioxide per day. That’s 0.3285 tons a year by the average Joe Blow(s out huge amounts of CO2). Multiply that by 6.5 billion humans and you get a very large number that I don’t feel like calculating.

Exercising causes even more unnecessary CO2 to enter the atmosphere. So while you’re getting killer abs, the Earth is getting killer amounts of CO2.

Can regulating your excessive breathing really help prevent global warming? I wouldn’t hold your breath. I do, however, recommend you hold your breath.