Amendmeant

A friend of mine on Facebook – let’s call him “Bob” – expressed his disappointment that today’s Boobquake rallies didn’t cause an earthquake.

What about Taiwan? I asked. They had an earthquake. (Appropriately, it was a 6.9 magnitude quake.)

Taiwan is not in America, he responded.

But what if the power of the Boobquake movement is much greater than we first feared (or in Bob’s case, hoped)? What if it was a new form of global terrorism?

This chilling possibility gave me no choice but to do more research on the subject. I had so many questions. Could boobs really control tectonic plate movement? And why was Bob encouraging natural disasters on our own soil?   After 4 hours of exhaustive Google research on every possible variant of “boobquake,” I finally discovered the truth.

I responded to Bob once more:

“Who said the boobquakes were locationally tied to cleavage? Your not giving these fem-terrorists enough credit, Bob. What’s next, whore-icanes?”

Women now have the power to terrorize and please men in equal measure. We are no match. And with that, I understood why Bob was conceding defeat to the terrorist threat. There was no way to stop them, so you may as well join them. We are now living in the Estro Generation. To display my submissive state before it was too late, I made a quick addendum to the wall post I sent Bob:

“I, for one, welcome our scantily clad female overlords.”

What’s a Menocause?  Only the hottest and flashiest causes you must support if you want to call yourself a man. Get Menocausal! Send your manly cause ideas to amendmeant@gmail.com

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If everyone in American were to fill out their Census, imagine the difference we could make. All those Censuses (Censes? Let’s go with Censes) add up to a huge opportunity to change our country from the top down. I’m not talking about all that bullplop about getting funding to the right districts. No, the Census is an outrageous invasion of privacy, and under normal circumstances I would implore you to recycle it with vigor. As a renowned Conspiracy Factist, I can assure you that the government will use your information to kill your grandma via mandatory Death Panel. It’s all in Obama’s Deathcare Bill. Look it up.

The effective "Sheep Defense" against Census-takers.

So why do I think filling out your Census is sensible? So sensible I’ve made it a Menocause? It’s called making lemonade when life gives you lemons, and the lemon I want you to squeeze is Barack Obama. Together we can force the powerful Census Bureau to see Obama for who I really want him to be, simply by answering the 10 questions on the Census.

With that in mind, fill out your Censes as follows (skip questions 2, 3, 8):

1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

10

4. What is your telephone number?

555-TER-RIST

5. What is Person 1′s name?

Obama, Barack H

6. What is Person 1′s sex?

Check both “Male” and “Female” box.

7. What is Person 1′s age and what is PErson 1′s date of birth?

Age: 48  -  Birthday: 02/21/1381 (Obama’s birthday on the Islamic hijri calendar)

9. What is Person 1′s race?

Kenyan or African-(anti)American

10. Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

Mark “Yes,” and select “In jail or prison.”

As for the additional dwellers in the Obama White Household, get creative. Include famous murderers, long-dead tyrants, or fictional Disney villains. Here’s a list to help get you started:

-  Rod Blagojevich

-  The smoke monster from LOST

-  Obama’s lovechild with Nancy Pelosi

-  Elian Gonzalez

-  Michael Jackson’s doctor

-  Kim Jong-Il

- The dude who invented the Snuggie.

My readers are taking freedom of speech to whole new levels when searching for my blog. “Satin manties” just scratched the search term surface of weird things people Google to find Amendmeant.com.

Here are 5 more weird search terms from just the last week:

1) “schwarzenegger’s sexuality”

Preposterous. Schwarzenegger supports gay rights, therefore his hetero-cred can’t be questioned. Everyone knows that only anti-gay rights politicians are guaranteed to be fruiting the loom. Isn’t that right, Roy Ashburn?

2) megan fox bink – Bink?

I don’t even want to know what this person was really searching for, but I’ll defend to the death his right to be pervy.

3) cause of man turning blue

Besides holding his breath? Let’s see…

- Watching too much Avatar

- Joining the Blue Man Group

- Holy Papa Smurf, there’s actually a dude that’s blue.


4) transformers 2 best picture

Obviously this was the best picture of 2009. What’s weird is that it didn’t even get a nomination. Keep fighting the good fight anonymous Goolger.

5) only billy mays speaks in all caps

What a bold statement. This term-searcher isn’t asking Google for results; no, he/she is telling Google what the results should be. Don’t even think about including Lil Jon, Google. Billy Mays has been speaking in caps since before Lil Jon busted any.

It’s commonly known that a picture is worth a thousand words. But with the advent of Photoshop, those thousand words can be as subjective as the truth you want to fabricate requires ( or at least as far as your brush tool skills can take you).

I attempted to nudge a picture of Barack Obama into a visual realm where at least two of the thousand words used to describe it were “camel toe.” This was before I realized I don’t own Photoshop and was instead using the Dent tool in Photo Booth to mangle pictures of my own nether regions.

Eventually I found a visual medium aligned to my capabilities, leveraging it to express my long-held belief that Obama really does want change.

Behold:

Can you spare some?

That’s right, we elected a homeless man who simply wanted change. Instead we gave him the White House. Typical move by the Dems. When will they learn that we can’t solve the homeless problem by over-providing social services (like the presidency)?  It didn’t stop the root of the problem anyway – like all homeless people, Obama still wants more change. He’s insatiable!

Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, who prove that all great talk show hosts share names with great musicians, have once again done what other media pundits could not do: manufacture truth out of seemingly nothing.

Using their impeccable logic and use of totally non-hyperbolic metaphors, the Rush/Beck Supergroup has banded together to tell you how Obama means to use his new FCC Diversity Czar:

Bottom: Black man in culturally insensitive "white face"

“And this “diversity czar” comes from a fringe, radical, Saul Alinsky-type of background; and the things that he’s talking about doing — and I watched your show for the first half hour today — but the things he’s talking about doing to shut down radio are simply un-American. It’s not enough to say that it’s not constitutional. It’s simply un-American, and make no bones about it, folks, Glenn is right — and I think he’s maybe underselling a little bit about as far as their intentions are concerned…”

Ok… so maybe they’re not sure exactly what Obama’s going to do or how he’s going to do it, but he’ll do something, and you better believe that something will be as un-American as protesting anything during the Bush administration (or protesting nothing during the current administration).

But all the proof that’s needed is the Diverisy Czar’s first victim: the helpless, small-town software company Microsoft. The poor computer nerds that brought you the PC (which I believe stands for “Porn Collector”) are embroiled in a controversy over an apparently racist website photo. Microsoft was forced to apologize for “editing a photo to change a black man’s head to that of a white man.”

Yet the hands of the freshly whitened man in the photo remain black. This controversy has mixed-race president Barack Obama’s Oreo hands all over it: obviously he sent the Diversity Czar after Microsoft to promote racial diversity, thereby making Obama more appealing.

Not only that, but the picture only ran on the Polish version of the site, promoting the idea of foreigners, like Kenyan-born Obama, to silence the Birther movement. I have to admit, our President is one smart, illegitimate fascist.