What about Taiwan? I asked. They had an earthquake. (Appropriately, it was a 6.9 magnitude quake.)

Taiwan is not in America, he responded.

But what if the power of the Boobquake movement is much greater than we first feared (or in Bob’s case, hoped)? What if it was a new form of global terrorism?

This chilling possibility gave me no choice but to do more research on the subject. I had so many questions. Could boobs really control tectonic plate movement? And why was Bob encouraging natural disasters on our own soil?   After 4 hours of exhaustive Google research on every possible variant of “boobquake,” I finally discovered the truth.

I responded to Bob once more:

“Who said the boobquakes were locationally tied to cleavage? Your not giving these fem-terrorists enough credit, Bob. What’s next, whore-icanes?”

Women now have the power to terrorize and please men in equal measure. We are no match. And with that, I understood why Bob was conceding defeat to the terrorist threat. There was no way to stop them, so you may as well join them. We are now living in the Estro Generation. To display my submissive state before it was too late, I made a quick addendum to the wall post I sent Bob:

“I, for one, welcome our scantily clad female overlords.”

1) how to make a powdered wig

While the term “powdered wig” is often searched to find this blog, someone is finally taking it to the next level and manufacturing their own instant-respect generator. What are the ingredients needed to make a powdered wig? My guess: a wig, flour.

2) apocalypse cruises

Americans will not change their demand for extravagance due to global warming, so we sure as hell-on-Earth aren’t going to change for the apocalypse.

3) grover on cocaine

I don’t remember reading this one… but cocaine is a helluva drug.

4) i’m not racist i’m just better than you

It’s true, brown eggs are healthier, therefore better.

5) инквизиция

See, it’s images like these that make me believe that everyone in America should only be allowed to speak God’s language – English.

—

If everyone in American were to fill out their Census, imagine the difference we could make. All those Censuses (Censes? Let’s go with Censes) add up to a huge opportunity to change our country from the top down. I’m not talking about all that bullplop about getting funding to the right districts. No, the Census is an outrageous invasion of privacy, and under normal circumstances I would implore you to recycle it with vigor. As a renowned Conspiracy Factist, I can assure you that the government will use your information to kill your grandma via mandatory Death Panel. It’s all in Obama’s Deathcare Bill. Look it up.

The effective "Sheep Defense" against Census-takers.

So why do I think filling out your Census is sensible? So sensible I’ve made it a Menocause? It’s called making lemonade when life gives you lemons, and the lemon I want you to squeeze is Barack Obama. Together we can force the powerful Census Bureau to see Obama for who I really want him to be, simply by answering the 10 questions on the Census.

With that in mind, fill out your Censes as follows (skip questions 2, 3, 8):

1. How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

10

4. What is your telephone number?

555-TER-RIST

5. What is Person 1′s name?

Obama, Barack H

6. What is Person 1′s sex?

Check both “Male” and “Female” box.

7. What is Person 1′s age and what is PErson 1′s date of birth?

Age: 48  -  Birthday: 02/21/1381 (Obama’s birthday on the Islamic hijri calendar)

9. What is Person 1′s race?

Kenyan or African-(anti)American

10. Does Person 1 sometimes live or stay somewhere else?

Mark “Yes,” and select “In jail or prison.”

As for the additional dwellers in the Obama White Household, get creative. Include famous murderers, long-dead tyrants, or fictional Disney villains. Here’s a list to help get you started:

-  Rod Blagojevich

-  The smoke monster from LOST

-  Obama’s lovechild with Nancy Pelosi

-  Elian Gonzalez

-  Michael Jackson’s doctor

-  Kim Jong-Il

- The dude who invented the Snuggie.

SARAH PALIN’S STANCE ON MAKING FUN OF MENTALLY/PHYSICALLY DISABLED FOLK

CAN make fun of: Diseases/disabilities that her family/friends/gun owners have

CAN’T make fun of: Retarded people*

Taco cat sez: "Vote for Palin."

*  Exception made for:  satirical** purposes

**  Rush Limbaugh = “satire”***

***  Satirical comedians (such as David Letterman) and satirical cartoons (such as Family Guy) do not count as “satire.”****

****  Traditional versions of satire only acceptable when it provides coverage of Palin’s political campaigns (Tina Fey as Palin on SNL)*****

*****  If media doesn’t assist in said political campaigns, they are deemed “out to get” Palin******

******  Contrary to popular belief, the 1st Amendment doesn’t apply to the media*******

*******  Contrary to popular belief, the 2nd Amendmeant does apply to hunting wolves from helicopters with automatic rifles.********

******** 2nd Amendmeant also applies to hunting retards from helicopters.

—

So there you have it. Palin gives it to us straight. Every time you think you have her cornered, she provides an exception to her own rules. I call this a Palin-drome, which is quite similar to a palindrome, especially the part of the definition that states: “A palindrome is a word, phrase… that can be read the same way in either direction.”

No matter what Palin says, you can be certain she’ll view words and phrases in whichever direction she pleases, as long as that direction supports her preconceived beliefs. You’d have to be retarded not to see the political value of the Palin-drome method.

Here are 5 more weird search terms from just the last week:

1) “schwarzenegger’s sexuality”

Preposterous. Schwarzenegger supports gay rights, therefore his hetero-cred can’t be questioned. Everyone knows that only anti-gay rights politicians are guaranteed to be fruiting the loom. Isn’t that right, Roy Ashburn?

2) megan fox bink – Bink?

I don’t even want to know what this person was really searching for, but I’ll defend to the death his right to be pervy.

3) cause of man turning blue

Besides holding his breath? Let’s see…

- Watching too much Avatar

- Joining the Blue Man Group

- Holy Papa Smurf, there’s actually a dude that’s blue.


4) transformers 2 best picture

Obviously this was the best picture of 2009. What’s weird is that it didn’t even get a nomination. Keep fighting the good fight anonymous Goolger.

5) only billy mays speaks in all caps

What a bold statement. This term-searcher isn’t asking Google for results; no, he/she is telling Google what the results should be. Don’t even think about including Lil Jon, Google. Billy Mays has been speaking in caps since before Lil Jon busted any.

My readers make search results like this possible. Bravo, freedom fighters.

8 weirdest (therefore best) applications of 1st Amendment through search terms used to find this blog:

1)  fabio baby pictures

Just knowing people Googled it made me Google it too.

2)  “satin manties”

Was this an attempt at online shopping, or…  Also, don’t the quotes make the search seem even more dainty?

3)  peter pan illuminati

4)  twin blackfaced

The fact that this is past tense and singular makes me curious. Was the twin blackfaced against his/her will? Was the other twin spared?

5)  blood on cell phone

6)  powdered wig

7)  baconaise ingredients

There’s no bacon in Baconaise! I feel ripped off – or at least I would feel ripped off if I ever decided to torture myself with bacon flavored mayo.

8)  lucario’s penis

Lucario is a Pokemon. A penis is part of the male genitalia. The person who Googled this should be sent to jail. Or Japan. Or a Japanese game show where the loser has to go to jail dressed in a furry costume.

I attempted to nudge a picture of Barack Obama into a visual realm where at least two of the thousand words used to describe it were “camel toe.” This was before I realized I don’t own Photoshop and was instead using the Dent tool in Photo Booth to mangle pictures of my own nether regions.

Eventually I found a visual medium aligned to my capabilities, leveraging it to express my long-held belief that Obama really does want change.

Behold:

Can you spare some?

That’s right, we elected a homeless man who simply wanted change. Instead we gave him the White House. Typical move by the Dems. When will they learn that we can’t solve the homeless problem by over-providing social services (like the presidency)?  It didn’t stop the root of the problem anyway – like all homeless people, Obama still wants more change. He’s insatiable!

Liberal attire, even by European standards.

But I digress.

Staying in the same room with dozens of Europeans on a nightly basis, I began to see some patterns. For instance, everywhere I turned I saw little black panties. Unfortunately the loins on which they were precariously girded belonged almost exclusively to middle-aged men.

[Disturbing, hyphenated adjectives] Sparsely leg-haired, Grover-bodied (pot-bellied, skinny everywhere else) middle-aged men. And the offending undergarments-cum-outer-torment weren’t boxers, mind you. Not boxers, not even briefs, but hip-hugging, perma-wedgied, black satin manties. [/disturbing, hyphenated adjectives]

That’s right, manties. Man + Panties = Manties.

If you’re European, male, and between the ages of 30 and dead, you’re wearing them right now. Don’t deny it.

But what can you, the modest pant wearing American do to prevent further outrage to the senses when visit countries less fortunate than ours? I have no idea. I just felt it unfair that I had to bear the constant barrage while everyone else spent their nights idly not being forced to watch men parade about in overripe banana hammocks.

Also, it was a great reminder that the United States is the best country in the world, a country where we have the freedom to force other people to feel bad about their freedom, thereby ensuing that tiny undies will always be frowned upon by opinionated Americans everywhere. God bless America. Now put some pants on.

The Amendmeant blog, much like a legitimate US government, is going on hiatus until further notice. I’m writing a book about my experiences in socialist Spain, which will hit the shelves when someone finally realizes my brilliance and decides to publish it. Say… next December?

The Good News:

Besides that which is found in the Bible, the good news is thus: I will be posting once more before the hiatus is enforced! I couldn’t leave you with such tantalizing promises of Euro-tongue lashing only to not deliver on that promise. I’m no mock-tease. So look for new post regarding America’s superiority to Europe in the coming days.

This is why I’m going to spend six weeks traveling through Spain. I’ll get there mainly by a plane.

Like Hemingway going into the trenches to report on the Spanish Revolution, I will truly appreciate my life of luxury only when I’ve reported on the horrors of life in socialist Spain. Also like Hemingway, I’ll be drunk the whole time.

Because I’m inquisitive by nature, and plan on asking many questions, I’m calling my journey The Spanish Inquisition -  catchy, no?

While abroad, I will occasionally update Amendmeant with photos I’ve taken of socialism in action. From children sharing toys to the elderly living on social security, I’ll unearth the terrible images that make up the daily lives of the Spanish people.

I’ll be back soon with more on on The Spanish Inquisition in the coming weeks.