My readers make search results like this possible. Bravo, freedom fighters.

8 weirdest (therefore best) applications of 1st Amendment through search terms used to find this blog:

1)  fabio baby pictures

Just knowing people Googled it made me Google it too.

2)  “satin manties”

Was this an attempt at online shopping, or…  Also, don’t the quotes make the search seem even more dainty?

3)  peter pan illuminati

4)  twin blackfaced

The fact that this is past tense and singular makes me curious. Was the twin blackfaced against his/her will? Was the other twin spared?

5)  blood on cell phone

6)  powdered wig

7)  baconaise ingredients

There’s no bacon in Baconaise! I feel ripped off – or at least I would feel ripped off if I ever decided to torture myself with bacon flavored mayo.

8)  lucario’s penis

Lucario is a Pokemon. A penis is part of the male genitalia. The person who Googled this should be sent to jail. Or Japan. Or a Japanese game show where the loser has to go to jail dressed in a furry costume.

The more Obama changes, the more he remains a Nazi-Socialist-Fascist Kenyan.

“On what planet do you spend most of your time?” Frank (obviously racist toward aliens) sputtered in response to Rachel Brown of the LaRouche Youth Movement. This after she smartly compared “Obama’s push for health-care reform to the policies of Nazi Germany while holding up a pamphlet depicting the president with a Hitler mustache.”

It’s a common liberal tactic: deny the classic, time-honored, 1st Amendment-humping right to evoke Hitler when logic just doesn’t cut the mustard (gas).

Meanwhile, Frank is acting downright fascist in his attempt to ethically cleanse dissenting opinions just because they’re outrageously hyperbolic, childishly disruptive, or based entirely on Glenn Beck quotes.

And how convenient is it that Frank happens to be Jewish, making it nearly impossible to attack him for his comments? Like Obama, Frank needs to provide proof that he is legit. I’d suggest finding a doctor to check to see if his “hedge” has been trimmed, but good luck finding an impartial doctor (i.e. non-Jewish).

Speaking of doctoring, I leave you with a quote from my source article – one that damns Frank most of all. You just have to be smart enough to read between the lines:

“Stand… with… the President… to look like Hitler and… increase health care to the Nazis.”

2) Why are Democrats now denying us our constitutional right to have Death Panels?

Luckily, I am the help desk.

3) How awesome is it that Fox News can lie to the public intentionally (1st Amendment baby!), but the public can’t tell the truth about a company (libelous I tells ya!)?

4) Why does the media refuse to continue to give Michael Jackson the proper 24 hour coverage he deserves?

5) Why didn’t anyone tell me about Wikispiracy.org earlier, and how can I possibly run out of blog material knowing now that it exists?

Fox’s lovable lawyers won a court case arguing “the First Amendment gives broadcasters the right to lie or deliberately distort news reports on the public airwaves.”

That’s right, Fox finally brought free speech to journalism. Just as a great novel tells a far more poignant truth through imaginary events, so does Fox News. They’re basically the War and Peace of journalism (minus that extraneous “Peace” nonsense).

A Florida Appeals court ruled  against fired journalist Jane Akre (lesbian baby-puncher), who alleged she “was pressured by Fox Television management and lawyers to air what she knew and documented to be false information.” And she didn’t even say thank you. Instead, she took Fox to court – all for showing her how to (ab)use her 1st Amendment rights.

Some argue that new organizations should be held to a stricter standard than the general public, and furthermore, as the so-called “4th branch of government,” that we can’t trust them to keep the politicians honest when blah, blah, blah… halfway through one of these rants I tend to practice my 1st Amendment right to zone out.

Fox and their lawyers realize that we must protect our right to free speech at ALL COSTS. Except of course the cost of possibly losing viewers in key demographics. One look at Fox’s ratings will tell you the viewers don’t lie… so Fox lies to the viewers.