8 Weirdest Search Terms Used To Find My Blog

March 1, 2010

As my voracious readers know, my political philosophy is firmly entrenched in a deep foundation of Constitutionalism, even if that foundation acts as a bottomless pit of outdated and unnecessary literalistic rigor. To celebrate such rudderless rigor, I proudly present the terms readers Googled to reach my site that most shockingly represent the free speech given to us in all contexts thanks to the 1st Amendment. You people are truly an inspiration.

My readers make search results like this possible. Bravo, freedom fighters.

8 weirdest (therefore best) applications of 1st Amendment through search terms used to find this blog:

1)  fabio baby pictures

Just knowing people Googled it made me Google it too.

2)  “satin manties”

Was this an attempt at online shopping, or…  Also, don’t the quotes make the search seem even more dainty?

3)  peter pan illuminati

4)  twin blackfaced

The fact that this is past tense and singular makes me curious. Was the twin blackfaced against his/her will? Was the other twin spared?

5)  blood on cell phone

6)  powdered wig

7)  baconaise ingredients

There’s no bacon in Baconaise! I feel ripped off – or at least I would feel ripped off if I ever decided to torture myself with bacon flavored mayo.

8)  lucario’s penis

Lucario is a Pokemon. A penis is part of the male genitalia. The person who Googled this should be sent to jail. Or Japan. Or a Japanese game show where the loser has to go to jail dressed in a furry costume.

Categories: Uncategorized

Signs of the Apocalypse – The Emasculation Proclamation*

May 21, 2009

Signs of the Apocalypse: As we all know, the apocalypse is nigh. It’s not a question of if it’s coming or even when it’s coming, but of who gets into the heavenly VIP room with such greats as Martin Luther, Mother Teresa, and Strom Thurmond.

—

It is self-evident that the Golden Age of America was during the industrial revolution. There was so much work available that even children got jobs. How cool is that?

Aunt Sam Wants YOU to go shopping.

Aunt Sam Wants YOU to go shopping.

But now kids have to while away there days in worthless pursuits like school and play. What happened to our great nation? Let’s take a closer look through the power of metaphor.

In any normal, non-commie family the man is the one who provides for his family (notice “man” is not capitalized, as it would be in Canada/Northern Europe/Vermont) while the woman cooks and watches Oprah. America used to be the man of the entire world, but no longer.

America is now the woman of international industry. Our fertile fields are plowed by other countries’ equipment, and we’re just lying back while they take turns deindustrializing us.

I have to cut short the metaphors; I’m getting all hot and bothered.

This trend is not only crippling our national manliness, but will soon castrate our economy as well. The US has become a consumer of suburban housewife-voracity, shunning our industrial roots. Heck, we don’t even make our own steel anymore, and that was #4 on my list of What Makes America Manly (right after Baconaise).

Worse yet, we’re importing the ingredients for our military-grade weapons. Sure, we make a delicious looking weapon, but what if the man in our global relationship starts holding out on us? What if we can’t get the ingredients to make the weapons? How can we feed our global family if we don’t have a huge stockpile of “food?”

We must stop this dependency and once again become a nation of men (not in the literal, Chinese way). Only then can we restart the process of cramming American-made “food” into the rest of the world’s gaping maw – because the only way to negate the Apocalypse is to instigate it.

*Blog title barely beat out alternative: “The Emasculation Pro-Clam-Nation”