Out To Lunch

July 21, 2009

I’m on vacation, but the truth never rests. Here are some of the most truthiest lines I’ve ever finger-uttered.

—

From Menocause – Go Green; Turn Blue:

“Exercising causes even more unnecessary CO2 to enter the atmosphere. So while you’re getting killer abs, the Earth is getting killer amounts of CO2.”

From Signs of the Apocalypse – The Emasculation Proclamation:

“It is self-evident that the Golden Age of America was during the industrial revolution. There was so much work available that even children got jobs. How cool is that?”

From What They Amendmeant – 5th Amendment:

“Terrorists are likely to hide behind the 5th Amendmeant under the Self-Incrimination provision – which is camel crap. Why do we need to prove anything? Here’s your proof: I’m terrified of them, so they’re terrorists.”

For these, and other truths, you’re welcome.

Categories: Out To Lunch

What They Meant – Christians Misread Atheist Billboard

July 7, 2009

Interpreting news and events the way they were meant to be interpreted: with reckless subjectivity.

—

Fact: Billboards are the #1 source of news for Floridians

Fact: Billboards are the #1 source of news for Floridians

While reading over the news with a fine-truth comb, I came across an atheistic manifesto of billboardian proportions in Florida. The billboard reads:

“Being a good person doesn’t require God. Don’t believe in God? You’re NOT alone!”

At first I was horrified. How dare those yet-to-believers promote their beliefs about how they don’t have any? I agreed with everything the protesters are saying, including these perfectly sensible arguments from the article:

-    The idea that non-believers can be good people discriminates against Christians.
-    African-Americans live in the area.
-    A shop owned by a born again Christian is nearby.
-    Kids kill each other and use drugs, so who (sic) else are they going to believe in?

Fine arguments, all. And in no way did I see any sort of hypocrisy in us Christians crying for tolerance while attempting to ban an atheist billboard. In fact, I’m pretty sure “hypocrisy” is just some oral test doctors have to pass before they’re allowed to fiddle around inside your torso.

You see, I saw the sign for what it really is, and until people really open up their eyes and see the sign, they won’t understand that it’s not offensive, just poorly written.

What the billboard means to say is that “being a good person doesn’t require JUST God”, but also Jesus. Then, after asking if the reader doubts the reality of God, it strongly declares that, whether you like it or not, “You’re not alone!” The billboard isn’t referring to small enclaves of like-minded atheists that live in places like Canada and Sweden, but to the fact that God is real (or maybe that aliens exist).

So thank you atheists; I’m glad to see you’re finally coming around. The only crime here is a dearth of good copywriting (or is it “well copywriting?”). A skill I’ll gladly provide next time you atheists want to concede defeat to Christianity. You know how to reach me.

Categories: Amendmeants